Love

     On the 31st we’ll be engaged for an entire year. that’s one year of kissing each other, of having sex together, going on dates together, having fights and making up, taking naps together, playing video games together… One year of sending our lives together. We haven’t been together in person for the entire year, he was gone for about 6 months of it… But our relationship never ended, we went on strong until he came home. We’re supposed to be together, or else we wouldn’t of made it through everything we have already.

     There’s been A LOT of ups and downs in our relationship, just like any other relationship. We’ve been in a long distance for 6 months, which also means we were in a military relationship during those 6 months. Those were the hardest 6 months of my life. Especially the first 3 while he was away at boot camp and I could only talk to him through letters… I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life like I was when he came home for good at the end of November. We also been through some pretty bad arguments, along with some slight emotional abuse towards each other, which we are working very hard on stopping. We also went though one thing no couple should ever have to go through, losing a child, and difficulties getting pregnant. We also went / going through him being depressed.

     It’s very hard seeing him depressed, I wish I could make him feel better, but I can’t… It really doesn’t help that I have difficulties with depression also, and I’m going through a good time, I’m happy and want to do things, where he’s at the other side. He sleeps all day, until we have to go to work. or until I get pissy because we’re supposed to be going somewhere but he still hasn’t gotten ready or even gotten out of bed. I’m trying so hard to be patient with him since I know what it’s like, it’s hard though. I’m currently writing this as I wait for him to get up and start getting ready for us to go on our mini golfing date, though I think we’re just going to end up staying home…

     He doesn’t even want to have sex really, he doesn’t hold me the way he used to, he doesn’t kiss me like he used to.. It feels like I’m losing him. I feel like I’m doing something wrong that’s causing him to feel this way, that he isn’t attracted to me anymore… I feel like he doesn’t find me sexy, I get really upset when it comes to sex. He just doesn’t seem into it when we do it anymore, and I always start it. It’s really chipping away at my self esteem.

     I love him so much, it hurts thinking he isn’t attracted to me, or that he’s hurting himself. I just want to take his pain away, I have no idea what to do though. I know there’s really nothing I can do, like there’s nothing he can do when I’m depressed. It just…. It’s frustrating, it’s infurating, I hate it.

My Sister Tried To Kill Herself

      So on Sunday I got a heartbreaking text from my mother three hours in to my shift. My 14-year-old sister D, tried to kill herself earlier that day. I had no idea things were still so bad with her… I honestly just thought that things were getting better for her, she’s been acting so much nicer and hasn’t been causing much trouble for our mom. Maybe she’s been doing that because she had this planned out, a sudden change in actions or whatever is a sign of suicidal thoughts.

     D and I have never really gotten along very well, but she’s still my little sister; I watched her grow up from a baby. I’m very upset over this, it ruined my entire day Sunday and yesterday. I just keep thinking about what it would be like if she succeeded, how that would affect my mom, our younger sister A. I really wish I could so something that could help her, but there really isn’t much I can do.

     She called me yesterday before I had to go to work, we talked for maybe like 10-15 minutes. She sounds so tired and sick… It really freaked me out, she’s never been like that, she’s always been loud and noticeable. She sounded as if there were more than two people in the room with her she’d completely disappear in the background. That’s so not her, she’s not like that, but it seems like things gotten so bad for her that she is like that now… It’s so weird seeing her like this, even as a baby she’s been out there.

     When I talked to her, she told me some of the reasons she did try to kill herself… One is because she’s jealous that my mom and I are both in relationships with men that love us. I think that is a little ridiculous, she’s only 14, a freshmen in High School, she shouldn’t be worrying about that stuff yet. She should be focusing on school, especially since she’s always said that she wants to be a lawyer. She also said it’s because she’s failing, and will have to repeat her freshman year next school year. That’s literally her fault though, because she doesn’t do her schoolwork because she’s too busy talking to boys and having sex with boys. (Now I’m all for knowing who you are sexually, and doing as you please sexually. I just… She’s only 14, and she’s had sex with more people than I have at my age now; and I’ve had my fair share of sexual partners after I was raped.) She’s also said it was because some girls from school were bullying her; for sleeping with one of their friends boyfriends, knowingly.

     I’m not trying to make her seem like some whore and/or saying that she’s being over dramatic. I understand that stuff like that can make life very hard, and make you hate yourself, I know I hate myself all the time when I think about all the people I’ve slept with, that isn’t my fiance. It’s just the way she said it all, she made it sound as if it’s everyone else’s fault, that she didn’t bring any of this on herself. I obviously haven’t said anything of this to her, I’ve only said this to my fiance and to you guys reading this. I love my sister more than anything, I just want her to be happy with herself, and to do things that are going to benefit her in the future. I also don’t want her to make the same mistakes I made, because I know how damaging all that can be to your self-esteem. I just really hope she can get through this, I’m so heartbroken that she’s going through this at such a young age…

     D is currently in the hospital. When I talked to my mom she said that D will be going into an inpatient program. I honestly think mom should have sent her to one a while ago, she’s been having problems for over a year now. This was bound to happen, at least she’s getting help now though. I’m really hoping that this does help her, and that this doesn’t happen again. I honestly believe that she does try again, she wont fail, cause she’ll know what doesn’t work and find something that will. I don’t want her to die, she deserves to have along life, she just needs to better herself a little and learn how to be happy without the approval of boys.

     The way she did it though, I have a feeling that she got the idea from 13 Reasons Why. Both the book and the movie. A few years ago I bought the book for her as a Christmas gift, because she was showing interest in it and I found it at the Thrift Store for only 25 cents. She just recently read the book then watched the show, and then a few days later she tries to kill herself by swallowing a bunch of pills AND cutting herself? I don’t think its a coincidence at all. The thing is though, my mom doesn’t pay much attention to my sisters anymore. So I’m not sure if I should say something to her about it or not. I mean, there is a possibility that I’m wrong. Then again, there’s a really high chance that I’m right, it just seems to make sense, with the timeline and everything.

     One thing that really worries me about this is, I tried to kill myself around 15-16. I wasn’t as successful, my family didn’t even find out until very recently when I told my fiance. Now D tried to kill herself at 14, and she got really close to succeeding.. What about my youngest sister A? Depression runs in our family, we have a few family members who’ve also tried to kill themselves, and a few that did. A is only 11 years old.. Just thinking about her doing something like that terrifies me… She’s such a sweet little girl, what if she ends up having depression? She already has bad anxiety… Guess the best we could do is just keep an eye on her and hope that it skips her…

My Novel

     I recently started working on a novel like a few days ago. I’m not doing very good with it right now, like I’m only seven paragraphs in and I’m already having writers block. I know where I want everything to go, it’s just I don’t know how I want to write it happening. I write in a lot of different styles, and I’m just not sure which style I want to write it in. I’m leaning towards first person, but I started writing it in third person, so I might have to rewrite it all.

     I love writing more than anything I do, well, other than sex with J. I just haven’t been able to write all that much because I can’t read my own handwriting and I haven’t had a laptop since my sister broke mine over a year ago. Now I have a new one though and I can start really writing again! I hate writing on my phone, I can type real fast on it, but it just doesn’t feel official and it makes it very hard for me to want to finish what I’m writing. Writing with a laptop is a lot easier and I usually finish what I’m writing when i write it on a laptop.

     I got the idea from my novel from tumblr post if I’m being honest. My one friend from church (when I went to church like four years ago) posted it saying that it needs to be a book because she needs it in her life. It sounded like it would make a very interesting book, so now I’m writing it! Hopefully it turns out as good as I’m hoping it will. At least I’ll be able to write it at my own pace and make it have the ending I want it to have. I just have to decide how I want to write it, and how I want it to end, oh and have to decide why the love interest can’t die.

     I’m having such bad writers block when it comes to my novel, but I don’t want to give to much away. I’d like to get some help, but last time I got help with writers block, and got some other ideas from a friend they wrote the story and posted it before I finished mine and it was almost the same, just different names and written in their own style. I was beyond pissed off and I have a hard time trusting people with my writings.

     I only really trust my fiance J, but he isn’t very creative so he isn’t that much of a help with writers block. He’s creative when it comes to playing the guitar and singing, but writing? Absolutely not.

Getting High?

     My whole life my family has always made getting high seem like it’s a lot worse than it really is. I had expressed my curiosity for marijuana to my family members, who have all done this before. They made it sound like it was a bigger deal than it really is and made me think it was this terrible thing.

     Recently my fiance and I had tried it together, and been doing it once every few days. I thought that it would be a lot different from it really was. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to control myself, that I would see things, and that overall it would be a big deal. It’s nothing like that at all.

    Honestly, I didn’t feel all that different. I feel less anxious about things that are happening, feel more comfortable living in his mom’s house. I also talk, A LOT and come up with a lot of ideas for a novel I’m currently writing. The first night I laughed a lot, at almost everything J or I said was hilarious, though I haven’t gotten like that since the first night. I also don’t feel as picky when I eat, like I was eating chicken, rice, ice cream, fruit punch, milk, and a chocolate cake thing all at once. None of it bothered me and it all tasted sooo good. I never mix foods like that, I always have to eat it completely separately, not when I’m high though.

       J, he gets really relaxed. He does laugh a lot, especially at things I say when I get all chatty. He also eats a lot while high, though he doesn’t really eat differently than he normally does because he isn’t a picky eater like I am. He does focus on things a lot easier when he’s high. He gets really good at his video games when high, especially when we play together, cause I’m to busy to talking to really focus on the game.

     Like I can honestly understand why people want to make it sound bad because they don’t want their family or friends doing drugs and all that. I can get that, but honestly I don’t see the reason why they would lie about that! If you really think about it, it could make things worse if you lie about it. You go into it thinking it’s going to be a lot worse than it really is, and you find out that everyone has lied to you about it, okay… So what if they lied to you about all those other drugs or dangerous things you wanted to try but were scared to do? I can see how some people think this is a gateway drug, because you fucking lie about it to someone their entire life.

      I’m not going to do any other drugs or anything, defiantly not. I know those things really do fuck you up real bad, I watched my dad destroy his life over that stuff. This is so not as bad as my entire family and some of my friends have made it sound. As long as it’s not overdone, like doing it everyday multiple times, it’s honestly not  problem. Obviously I’ll stop doing it once I’m pregnant, I’m going to do the best I can to take care of my body as best as I can once I’m pregnant.

     Now I don’t recommend people to try marijuana, I’m not saying that at all. I don’t think people should go out and try it all the time. It’s just something you have to decide for yourself. It helps me with my anxiety and with my eating problems, I think I’ve even gained some weight since I’ve started, which is very good since I’m slightly underweight again.

     This isn’t a pro-weed post, pro-drugs, pro anything post. This is honestly just my opinion on what I’ve been told and what I’ve experienced. I’m not saying it’s good or bad for you to do, I’m just saying my personal feelings on how it affects my fiance and I. Now I don’t know how it’ll effect you, if you’ll get addicted, or anything like that. Just need to have that clear so no one gets mad at me or anything at all.

Our pets

     Out of everything J does, this is the only thing that’s really bothering me. His dog is extremely annoying, I love the dog, I really do. It’s just, his dog wont leave my bird alone, and he’s already stressed from the move and this isn’t helping. J isn’t helping with the matter either, he keeps letting the dog get all up in my birds space, letting the dog smell my bird when he’s out of the cage. Though I’ve told him a thousand times I don’t want them in the same room while the bird isn’t n the cage, does he listen to me though? Nope.

     He just tells me that his dog is friendly and wont hurt the bird. I’m not worried about his dog hurting my bird, on purpose. His dog has really bad anxiety and gets excited very quickly, I’m worried about him getting excited and hurting the bird by accident. He just doesn’t think that’s going to happen, and that’s how those things happen. He just assumes everything is going to be okay, and watch, my bird is going to end up getting really hurt or killed because of this. I love this man to death, but he can be stupid sometimes.

     The worse part of it is, we don’t always word the same hours, so sometimes he’s home when I’m not. I’m so scared that when I’m not home he’ll do something stupid with the bird and dog and my bird will get hurt. I may say that the bird is ours, but we both know the bird is really mine. I had the bird longer then we’ve been together and we have a special bond with each other that he doesn’t have with the bird. Plus I don’t think he really sees the bird as a pet with actual feelings since it’s not as “lovable” as his dog.

      Another thing I can’t stand about his dog is that he’s always waking me up! He wakes me up when he barks and barks and barks at the door in the morning, and no matter how much you ignore him, no matter how long, he will NOT go away and give up. He’ll just get more persistent and louder the longer you ignore him. Since I don’t even want the dog in here while I’m sleeping I always make J go let him in, his new favorite thing to do is just leave the door pen so his dog can just go in and out of the room as he pleases. I don’t like this, I love dogs, but I can’t stand it. He’s very annoying, especially with my bird, and I just want to create boundaries with the dog and bird and J just isn’t allowing that to happen.

     Maybe I need to find one of those articles I’ve read on birds and dogs and how bad it can be and show it to him. Who knows that could help him understand why I’m so upset about all of this. I really can’t create the foundries on my own when J is going behind my back and not listening to the boundaries. The longer he lets this go on the more stressed my bird is going to be and the less our pets are going to get along in the long run. He just doesn’t seem to understand that.

     Another thing that bothers me about J and our pets, he gets annoyed when my bird gets loud once in a blue moon. When his dog is loud, all the fucking time. I don’t mean to curse, but seriously its ridiculous how loud the dog is and how often. He barks and every.single.noise. I can’t stand it, they’ve never trained him on that. He can do a bunch of tricks, but he goes to the bathroom in the house, and not always where he’s “supposed” to. He barks at everything, doesn’t listen when told no, and to leave the bird alone, and he never stops barking. I’ve never seen a dog act up so much in person, I just thought it was a joke that some dogs are like this, but nope it’s true with some dogs.

     I haven’t even been able to train my bird all that much, since it refuses to really let me train it. The only things I’ve really trained the bird on is saying “pretty boy” when it wants out of it’s cage (even though I’m pretty sure its a girl, in my defense I didn’t find out until after I taught it to say pretty boy), to be on a harness and leash, and to stop screaming when told to in a specific voice. At least my pet is trained to be told no when it comes to being loud. J doesn’t think so because he doesn’t do the voice right, so the bird doesn’t really listen to him, he’ll get it right one day though. This bird is going to be around for a long while, since she’s only one years old, and they can live up to about 25 years, if not longer.

second morning living together

     Even though we’ve been sleeping in the same bed together for months now, this has a different feel to it. I no longer feel the need to wake him up once I’m awake, I’m actually letting him sleep in right next to me as I write this. I’ve never really let him stay asleep after I’ve woken up except one time at my moms apartment, but that was just so I could make him breakfast. Things feel a lot more… Real? I think that’s the word, perminate fits also, well kinda.

     There’s nothing really different about our relationship. Maybe a little more comfortable with our living situation, that’s really about it. Which I think it’s funny how I gotten more comfortable so fast, especially since we’re living with his mom. His mom makes me really nervous; I think it’s because I want her to like me so badly, which is normal, since I plan on marrying her son. I actually went out into the kitchen last night by myself and made myself dinner and a snack once we got home from work and getting money for rent, phone bill, and to pay a friend. I also even got water by myself for when I woke up in the morning, since once I fall asleep my mouth usually opens and is super dry when I wake up in the morning.

     Our bedroom is looking pretty good so far, we still have to move a lot of things around and get rid of more stuff. I kept way more than I needed to, so I have to go through my stuff again and get rid of even more. Today I’ll be going through my things while J is claning out the shed and moving things into it, that’s if it ever stops raining. He also needs to clean the bathtub and some of the bathroom, I always refuse to bathe or shower here because it looks nasty. I’m not really looking forward to sharing a small bathroom with two men (his brother also lives here, his room is next to ours). His mom has her own bathroom attatched to her room, though I’m not sure if she’ll be using that one or our when her mother comes back to America to live here also, since she’ll be staying in J’s moms room and J’s mom said she’ll be staying in the livign room until her mom finds a place.

     I’m a lot happier now that we’re living together, and feel a lot more safe about the relationship. Things feel more real and perminate, like now there’s no going back, this is forever. I think it’s kind of funny I Feel this way, since it’s not like we got married, we just moved in together in his moms house. I think this is a very good sign though; I’m getting comfortable with his family now, and I’ll always have to see them once in a while once we’re married no matter where we’re living. Plus J has been saying something about getting married during this summer, so maybe we will be getting married soon; unless he’s changed his mind since I lost the baby. Who knows, we’ll find out once I find the time to bring up that conversation.

     We’re not living here perminately, just until J pays off his credit card and we save enough to get a mobile home of our own. I also want to be able to buy most, if not all the furnature when we move into our own place. It’ll take awhile since our job doesn’t allow you to be full time until you’ve worked there for like, nine months, but we’ll get there eventually. At least the jobs pay good, we each make a little more than $10 an hour. I think J kinda wants to get another job, he doesn’t really like where we work. I keep telling him to apply to places that pay the same or more but he keeps saying no; something about how working at the same place the same hours is good for us. I guess he’ll just do it once he’s pushed over the edge from some bullshit, it always happens there, no wonder so many people make fun of the place if I’m being honest. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I myself never really had problems with my job all that much. The only problem I really have is that they changed me to night shift, and refuse to change me back to day shift, and they never schedule enough people to close with me. I did look at other places nearby that have a deli, but none of them pay as much, and I refuse to take a paycut, they’ll eventually get their shit together so it wont be that bad.

Moving 

Since we no longer have to worry about space for the baby we’re moving into J’s mother’s house. She said we can temporarily live there if we pay her rent every month. This is really going to help out, now we no longer have to worry about what we’re going to do once my mom finds a place with her new boyfriend and my sisters. I’m a little nervous though, I’m still not fully comfortable with his family and now I’ll be living with them. Who knows though, maybe that will help me get comfortable with them. 

We’re going to be going to my mom’s apartment on Wednesday to start going through my stuff and packing things I’m going to take with. I’ll also be getting rid of a lot of things, most of it will probably be donated, since I still have all my stuffed animals from my childhood and clothes from middle school. Oh I also have a box full of books along with a bookshelf food of them, don’t know how I’m going to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. I’m not very good with getting rid of things. 

We’ve decided we’re going to leave my bedframe but we’re taking my matress. We’re also leaving my dresser, haven’t decided what we’re gonna do with my plastic bins filled with art supplies and other random stuff. His room is kinda small and he doesn’t want it cluttered. Though his room is just as big as mine is at my mom’s, difference is, he doesn’t share with two other people like I do. So I don’t really know why he’s complaining about all of it. 

Then again, I do have a lot of stuff, I don’t really have a problem with getting rid of things, it’s more of, what about the things I’m not getting rid of? Where does he expect me to keep them? He doesn’t have anything to really keep stuff. All he has is a plastic drawer filled with his clothes and the few books he owns, a TV stand with his TV, his bed, and closet. We still have two days to start even having to start completely worrying about it all. 

I’m very excited, especially since now I can bring my bird with us. I miss my bird SO MUCH everytime I go to his house.  I’m excited to finally be able to be with my bird every day, and I’m sure my bird will be excited about that also. Especially since his neighborhood is a lot safer to be taking the bird outside so he’ll be able to go on more walks! I don’t take my bird on many walks right now because there’s a bunch of kids in my neighborhood and they try to pull on his feathers and take him from me. Though I’m slightly nervous about J’s dog, he’s never been around a pet bird. So I have no idea if he’ll try to hurt it if they accidentally end up in the same room while the bird is out of his cage. 

I’m also going to miss my youngest sister A with all my heart and soul. I love her to death, she’s such a sweetheart and my family doesn’t pay much attention to her. I’ll try to keep up a good relationship with her since my mom decided to stay in Maryland. Maybe I’ll even be able to get A to be able to spend the night once and a while on weekends. Especially since win taking the bird, because honestly, it was her idea to get a bird, I’m just the one who bought it and it attached itself too. Plus my mom refuses to take care of the bird and to pay for the bird. At least mom’s boyfriend promised to get her any pet she wants when they get their own place, so hopefully she won’t be too upset about it. 

I’m very excited to be getting away from my sister D and my mother. My relationship with them is very toxic and I’m ready to get away from that. I’ll obviously still talk to them once in a while, but I won’t be seeing them all the time anymore. I’ll have to find another way to pay my mom for my phone bill until J and I finally get our own plan, though I don’t know when we are doing that. We still haven’t decided if we’ll be keeping my provider or his, so we still have to decide that before even looking at the different kinds there are. I’m kinda happy I’ll no longer have ant reason to talk to D anymore, I can’t really stand her anymore. She’s out of control, and just getting worse as the days go on. I still kinda think that punch in the stomach could’ve had something to do with losing the baby. I could be wrong though, I was only three weeks pregnant when it happened. 

Jealously​ 

How is it that there’s a bunch of girls I went to middle and high school with that are pregnant and/or just had a kid? Half of them don’t even want the baby and are angry they they’re pregnant. God, I want a baby, I want my baby that I lost… I loved my little shit with all my heart, why did my body fail me and the baby? 

I just look at all these girls pictures of their babies, their ultrasounds, the post about it all… I just get filled with this extreme jealously, they have their kid… They’re having their kid… Why did this have to happen to me? I’m happy for them, I really am, I’m just upset that I’m not having mine… 

Also at work, a bunch of women bring their children up to the deli. Some even let their kid say the other and they ask for a slice of cheese.  It’s just so cute! My heart melts, but it also drops to my stomach because I just think. The baby I just spent the last 4 months making in my body just died, j and I aren’t having our little angel… 

It hurts so much and I just keep seeing all these babies and young children, even some pregnant girls. I feel so bad that I’m jealous of them, it’s a very happy time for them. Well, except for the few that are angry about being pregnant. 

Sorry for the rant, J hasn’t really talked to me much about it all, just said he’s upset and wants to try again after I have time to let my body repair itself or whatever.  

Uodate: second miscarriage

So I was pregnant…. It’s a miscarriage…

Might not be on for a few days, I mean I haven’t been on much recently. J has already told my boss the news, since I’m off until Saturday. Waiting to hear about her response, she was always asking me about the baby and was very excited about it all. 

I’m beyond devistated, like I said I was in the other post where I thought I was never pregnant. I thought if this would happen again I wouldn’t feel as bad, since I’ve been through it before, but it actually hurts more this time. We don’t plan on actually trying for a baby, but we aren’t going to try and prevent it. Whatever happens happens. Hopefully the next time I’m pregnant things go right. 

J and I are going on a date tomorrow to a park nearby. We plan on talking about what we’re going to do and say. We already decided to just tell family I wasn’t pregnant. Don’t really want family feeling bad for me, it’s harder to deal with that then coworkers feeling bad for you. At least then, they aren’t always going to remind us, since we won’t always work with them. Other than that we aren’t so sure, so tomorrow we’re going to talk about it while enjoying the nice weather. 

This really hurts more than anything. When I wanted to kill myself hurt less than this. Why can’t my body work right and do its job? There’s a whole section in my body dedicated to creating life, and it still doesn’t work? I wish that I could just switch my reproductive system so I could successfully have a child…

What the hell to my body?

All there’s a really big chance that I’m bout actually pregnant. The only thing I have to say about how I feel about it is, I’m extremely devistated. I was so excited about the baby, and things were starting to get better with money and everything. Maybe this is a good thing though, me not being pregnant, gives us time to get things ready. 

My doctor is being very rude and annoying with me though about this. Recently all my pee pregnancy test started coming back negative, and I stopped gaining weight. I haven’t lost weight, but I haven’t gain any. My doctor also didn’t do the blood pregnancy test, even though she did a bunch of blood test recently, which really upsets me, because I asked her to. 

My blood test all came back normal though, so I’m fine. My doctor said that there’s a possibility that I’m having pregnancy symptoms and got a positive result is because my period is stuck in me. She prescribed some kind of medication that’s supposed to force it to start since it’s been about 4 months since I’ve had it. 

I honestly feel lied to by my body. Why would it give me a positive test if I’m not pregnant? All the symptoms? I’m just so angry, and even though this obviously isn’t the same as having a miscarriage, I’m kind of having a lot of the same feelings I had when I did have one a few years ago. 

That may sound a little over dramatic, but it’s just how it makes me feel… My body told me I was pregnant, and it turns out I’m most likely not? 

I wish my doctor listened to me and did a blood test, that way I would know for sure. I’m almost done with the prescription of the medication that’s supposed to make me have a period and it still hasn’t started. I also haven’t been feeling cramping or anything. 

Wonder what’s going on with my body. None of this is making sense to me and I’m just feeling angry and confused. J hasn’t really said anything about it except “I know, I’m okay about it to”.  That doesn’t help that much either.